How to reconcile after a family Rift. Every family has disagreements and many harbour (and hide) long-held grudges. in some cases things will reach a crisis point when something clicks, someone reaches the end of the line, says ‘I’m done here’ and decides to walk away. You might think this is rare, but family estrangement is seldom discussed. As a sociologist and professor of gerontology, I’ve spoken to hundreds of individuals who had no contact with one or more family members, and compiled the most extensive study of family reconciliation ever conducted. My research indicates estrangement affects more than a quarter of all families and touches millions of people, causing distress so profound that it can last a lifetime. sociologist and professor of gerontology, claims the ripple effects of estrangement can extend through generations (file image) The ripple effects of estrangement can extend through generations, washing shockwaves over children and grandchildren. Cutting someone off might bring immediate relief from conflict and negativity, but most people I talked to longed for a return to the relationship and felt the rift stood in the way of achieving a life well-lived. One positive glimmer during the coronavirus pandemic has been the rise in reconciliation. For many the crisis has brought about renewed contact with a relative after years, even decades, of estrangement. The best way to deal with a rift is not to enter into it in the first place. But once it’s happened, the sooner you act, the better. As time goes by the disconnect can seem like the easiest and least painful option, and inertia can swiftly set SHARE THIS ARTICLE Whatever your circumstances, I urge you to try to find a way to reconnect if you possibly can, and I’m going to show you how. Time does help heal|How to reconcile after a family rift If it’s been some time since the split, explore the possibility you and your relative may have now changed in ways that make restoring your relationship possible. Studies from Stanford University show that as people move into their later years, they learn to better regulate their emotions and place greater importance on family relationships. Dr Karl said if you’re contemplating the possibility of resolution, be on the look-out for signs that the time might be right (file image) Perhaps you are no longer the same people who had the rift — your poisonous mother-in-law may have mellowed with age, your philandering uncle may have settled down — and maybe wider negative conditions affecting the the relationship has eased. The estrangement itself might have brought about important changes, which now allow for reconciliation to take place. If you are contemplating the possibility of resolution, be on the lookout for ‘nudges’ or signs that the time might be right. This might be a change in circumstances (the death of a key protagonist, the birth of a baby, a deathbed wish) which makes reconciliation seem more likely. When this happens, grab the chance with both hands. 6. Value and lifestyle differences Sexuality, religious differences, or alternative lifestyles can seriously strain our relationships. This makes it incredibly difficult to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, but I urge you to try. Write the history of the rift or problem from the other person’s perspective or the perspective of a neutral third party. Ultimately you don’t have to accept that the rift is your fault, but it is extremely useful to step back and examine it as objectively as possible whether you may have contributed to the problem. This requires setting time aside for some serious thought, but it is well worth the effort. Do you share the blame?| How to move on from family estrangement| stages of grief family estrangement| Family estrangement psychological effects| Talk things through with people who are concerned about you but who are not already on your side. Repeatedly discussing your dispute with people who agree with you, puts you in an ‘echo chamber’ of sympathetic ears. Seeking out unsupportive views can be enlightening, enabling you to gain perspective. The pathway to reconciliation is often blocked by demands for an apology. But no apology, even swift and sincere, will heal the wounds on its own. Often saying sorry is just too much to ask. When an estrangement has been going on for years, the issue is less likely to be ‘apologise for this thing you did to me’, then ‘apologise for how the entire relationship was conducted,’ or ‘apologise for the person you are’. Reconnecting with family after years| Reconciling with estranged parents| Estranged sister wants to reconnect| Focus on changes in behaviour. That said, when the relationship is re-established, an apology often does follow. Bridging a family rift requires abandoning the urge to align two very different views of the past. It is highly unlikely that someone is going to simply accept your narrative of what caused the rift. The other person doesn’t have to subscribe to your view. Decide to move on. Don’t discuss whatever happened between you. Let it go away, just forget about it, and start anew. Most of us carry very high expectations of family life which can, at times, be hard to fulfil. Strongly held family values such as ‘siblings have your back’, ‘children must respect their parents’ or ‘blood is thicker than water’ can lead to conflict if they are not shared. Strong values are important, but do you have more to lose by holding on to these inflexible expectations? To find a resolution you have to acknowledge the possibility that your values might not be absolute and universally shared. Decide upfront what is the least you can accept in a restored relationship, and make that shift from seeking an ideal relationship to realistically attempting the best connection possible.
